Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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