You're my little dorito
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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