In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
