The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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