So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
