His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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