Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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