I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
