my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
