Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
