Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
