I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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