I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
