Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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