party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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