the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
