So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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