He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
