Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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