i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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