It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
