what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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