I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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