birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
