Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
