You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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