You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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