i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
