my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
