just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
