Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
