I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
a search helicopter?!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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