I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
