as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
