i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
