first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
