went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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