Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
