I wanna bring you to show and tell
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
