finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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