Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
