wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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