My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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