We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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