Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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