90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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