Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
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I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
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Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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