it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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