On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
