You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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