I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
