Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
