I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
