Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
