it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
