I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
