If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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