I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
