i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She's JV to your varsity
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
