He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
